A Letter

Dear Sir,

I never meant to hurt you, and it is difficult for us to go on.
We want to be together, but I cannot.
How do you ignore your heart to follow your mind?
Society romances the power of love and the heart.

Yet, love is not enough.
If it was, your life would be different,
And my life would be different.
And we would be happy, together.

Soon your heart will heal,
And hopefully mine will too.
We never cheated, never lied to each other, did not end in anger.
Still, we burn and chafe in our situation.

I cannot blame you.
Never will I be able to look back and regret you.
Not like before.
You were not mistake; we were not a mistake.

So, Sir, I know you did not want to hear this.
You are stronger than I because you do not speak them.
These words will not stay within me,
And I wish I could hold them back.

Love,
Madame

Anymore, I Feel Guilty

Do not want to fight for this anymore.
I do not know what to do anymore.
I hate this uncertainty.

Everytime I smile, I feel guilty.
When I talk about you, I feel guitly.
Keep being torn between my two worlds.

Nothing is changing anymore.
I do not want to fight for this anymore.
What do I do now?

Time is running out, I feel guilty.
Sick of making the decisions, I feel guilty.
The invitable is about to hit.

Change is Not a Good Enough Reason

Why do things have to change? I mean, I understand that people change, but I hate it. It seems as if life is going so well and I am surrounded by people that I love and trust, and then the dynamics change. Suddenly I am blind-sided and I am not as important to those I was close with. My novelty has worn off. It is true that it takes work to find those few people who are worth the time that you spend on them. It hurts, though. I used to think that one of my best friends thought that I was special and they saw something in me that only a few had seen. Cut to us a year and a half later, they have given up on me. We are losing contact and cannot talk like we used to, and they are not even willing to fight for me, for our friendship. So for those of you who are reading this, fight for those that you love the most. Make the phone calls, write the letter, e-mails, and messages, think of the surprises, keep them a priority, listen to them and make the changes. Do not leave everything up to fate. Yes, we change, but changing without someone is completely different than using it as an excuse to not try to fix things.

These Nights

I want to run so fast and feel everything around me. You know how you hear music and you feel as if you could do anything. Ideas start pumping through your head about how you will improve your life and become a better person because nothing seems impossible. It seems as if I have never loved harder and never felt such pure emotions. These are the nights that I want to be with my boyfriend. I want to be driving at night with the windows down and our favorite music turned up LOUD and us laughing because we are together. I want to be out with a huge group of friends at a club and dancing all night because we can and we are inhibited with each other. We know each other and we never judge. I want it to be raining outside so that I can play in it and feel free and childlike. These are the nights that I want movies to be reality and all my favorite people in the world to be gathered around me. I never want to lose the feeling that I now have. These are the nights that I smile without hesitation. My life is imperfect, and so am I, but, on these nights, it is okay. For once, everything is enough, and I love it.

none

i am losing something that i never wanted to let go of. it hurts, and i am scared.

Book of Life

Rip the pages from this book,
Rewrite what happened so that it ends differently.
Change the past, present, and future.
Make sense of my life, and know my purpose.
Why is life like this?
I want answers, and I want what is right.
Movies, music, television, books...
Spouting lies that I chose to believe.
I listened with an avid ear.
Yet, does any of it exist?
Love, what the hell is love?
I do not even know what it is.
Someone tried to show me, but there must more more to it.
This cannot be it.
God, where is this God that exists?
I have known a presence, a spirit that is not my own, a fate that knows everything.
My religion digusts me.
I have lost the God that I knew yesterday.
Nothing is constant, and everything changes.
One minute I am strong, and the next, I am broken on the floor.
Daily I ignore the things that scare me to death.
Existing is hard, and I want to rewrite it.
Rewrite this Book of Life that the world beats within.
Erase the shit, leave what is pure.
Then maybe it won't hurt.

I Never Knew

This thing called growing up has really hit me hard in the past week. My plan for housing next year, which I have been spending three months constructing, was riped out from beneath me. In the process, I lost three people that I thought were my friends. I never knew that people could be that mean, or that words could hurt so much. I never knew what it was like to be hated, or alone.

That night, I called my boyfriend, a friend from college, my parents, and a friend from church. I talked and cried for about eight hours. Ranted, yelled, begged for help and peace, and questioned alot during those hours. I never knew how much love others could give me, or how unconditional it was. I never knew that people could listen to me for so long, or want to help me figure it out.

I spent alot of time by myself this week. Partly because I had a ton of work to do, and partly because I had lost my main social group. I never knew I could like myslef so much, or learn my self-worth by not listening to others thoughts about me. I never knew that I had ignored myself to sacrifice for my old group.

I found out that my best friend has cancer. I have five best friends, and one of them has cancer. She is nineteen, and she has cancer. I do not know if I can look at her, and not cry. How do I cope? She is apart of me. If something happens to any of them, nothing can replace them. This woman makes me laugh like no one else, and she is just as corny as me. I never knew how real life was until this happned. I never knew how proud I was of the woman that she had become, or how strong she was.

I am going home this weekend. It is my dad's birthday. My parents, my brother, and I are going out on Friday to celebrate. My dad had a heart attack almost a year ago, and I was scared I was going to lose him. On Saturday, I am going out for lunch with two to of my best friends, and we are going to laugh alot and really hard. At night, I am going to see a play wiht my parents and my boyfriend, and then my boyfriend and I are going to watch a movie. He has already seen it, but he always watches movies again so that he can see them with me. On Sunday, I am hoping to see a friend from church. She is amazing, and that sums her up pretty well. I never knew how lucky I was, or how much I had in my life. I never knew how happy I could be, or how people should treat me. I never knew how a vacation could be going home to be with those who know me, who love me, and who support me.

I never knew alot of thing...until now.

Life

Life, life, live life.
It is so exhilarating, the blood pounds through my temples.
I want to seize it, to never let go.
Know it potential and surpass it.

There is so much that I expect from my exisitance.
Use my abilities to change the world because I am worth listening to.
Invest in people who truely know, understand, and encourage me; my kindered
Never letting life be boring, or be considered boring.

The joys that I find in my life do not compare.
Waking up each day with a sense of awe at the unknown.
Smiling and knowing that there is a purpose behind my happiness.
Eating a meal that is spicy and tasty with someone and talking about everything.

Going to class and filling my mind with knowledge.
Crying to feel the release of emtions and vulnerability from exposing my soul.
Sleeping and awaking with energy that is powerful and optimistic.
Seeing God in everything that I experience.

This is my life.
I love living it.
The beauty that amazes me; the suffering the frightens me.
It is life.