If Only You Knew

If only you knew,
If only you knew,
If only you knew,
If only you knew.

How empty life is without you,
How much I love you,
How easily you make me laugh,
How it hurts to see you turn and leave me.

That I want to be with you every moment,
That this realtionship scares me,
That I hope you are the one,
That this thought makes me want to run away.

Why I yell at you,
Why I never want you to make me first priority,
Why you frighten me,
Why nobody ever compares.

Then, maybe, one day, I could spend forever with you because you make me happy, and I love life when I am with you. If only you knew, then we would not be able to learn about each other and make each day different and challenging. I love you, and I love us. I would not change it for anything, not even Keith Urban. Sorry, babe, but you are too great, and your accent is cuter. If only every person was as lucky as we are...

Distance

I want to be with you,
Every moment, and every second.
Be that person standing next you,
Complete, blissful, amazing; that is how we are.

But we keep fighting, keep arguing,
And it is frustrating.
Wanting what you cannot have,
Hurting the person you need the most.

Feeling insecure, and unsure.
When did the distance become tangible?
We keep hoping; saying we will last,
But not telling each other what we are truly thinking.

Never imagined it would be this difficult,
With every thought filled with you, making it harder.
I don’t know what is in your mind,
And that scares me.

I love you.

10/8/05

Her World

Looks outside, sees nothing
What else is new?
This is her life.
It passes by.

Cannot imagine what is past her window, through her front door, after her street.
What do you want?
Do you live just to exist?
What does your mind tell you?

She closes her eyes, thinks, smiles;
What does she dream? What does she see?
Wants to writes songs, take pretty pictures, own the essence of beauty, be an athlete.
Everything is perfect, sensual, feeds her soul.

Night falls.
Darkness encloses her.
She lies down, weeps.
A tear for everything she is not.

9/10/05

My Last Family Vacation

This weekend, my parents, my brother, and I went to LA for our last fmaily vacation. We started out on Thursday and stayed in San Luis Opisbo for the night, It was so weird being back in SLO, my brother's former college town. My family and I kept getting on each others nerves, and it seemed like the vacation was going to be a waste. the next day, we drove from SLO to LA. It took about 6 hours, and it was okay. No big whoop. We started to get along better. Anyway, on Saturday, we went to Universal Studios. That was alot of fun. We did the studio tour, and the shows, and the rides. We were all laughing, and relaxed. Dinne was fun, but we ate so much. By the time we got back to the hotel, we were exhausted! I went to bed, and slept for a blisssful 12 hours, which I will not be able to do after next week. Today, Sunday, we met with my uncle who I have not seen in about 8 years. It was good to see him, and to talk. Tonight was my cousin's husband's 50th birthday celebration. He did not know that we were coming, so he was really happy to see us. It was so much fun. We met many people, and the food was delicious! It was good to see Reshmie, Marty, and the kids before I leave. I know that I am going to miss them so much. So, that is my family vacation. It has turned out to be an awesome time. Tomorrow, we drive the 10 hour trip home. It is going to be adrag, but it brings me closer to my beautiful blue room, and the greatest guy in the entire world. Peace out, ya'll!

You

I do not know what to write about you,
But my chest is heavy with decalaration.
My craft is weak, and my hand is idle.
Weeks have passed, but words have not.
I want to describe you through writing;
That touch, that smile.
When we kiss, you hold my face in your hand.
It causes me to forget about your lips.
This one gesture, amazing.
Feeling your eyes on me, staring.
I never acknowledge it, yet I bask in it.
Your sweet nothings are everything.
My laugh comes easy around you,
And I only want to make you happy.
So glad you are in my life.
I smile.

05/01/05

Want, Need

Want to fight, want to be perfect.
Need to fight, need to be perfect.
What to do?
Everything wrong, fail one way or another.
Want to run, feel the hard paement under my feet.
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run.
Just me, just me;
Me, my body, my mind.
Think of nothing, breathe.
Run, run, Laura, run!
You can do this, finish the fight.
Lord, help me o do this.
Tired of quitting, tired of excuses.
Focus, focus!
Let it go, run.

4/14/05

Blank Page

A blank page, a clean start,
If only my soul were the same
I am so lost, so confused, so different.
Everything has changed.
Alone once again.
Why did I ahve t lose so much to grow?
Now I have what they want.
Lonliness is the road I walk,
This unclean, ashamed wench.
When will happiness come?
Do I look in the wrong places?
They made me happy.
Will I ever make me happy?
Seventeen going on nothing.
Life passes, choices are made, will I survive?
Memories haunt me, pictures make me flinch.
I wasted so much time, lost so many chances.
I anger those I love;
Love those who hurt and harm.
Sometimes I miss her,
That girl, my childhood, my laugh.
At times, I see her,
But I do not know how to keep her.
I hurt, I bled, I scream, I cry,
Then I clean up and smile.
Why? Is it real or fake?
Someone tell me because I do not know.

12/23/04

Lies

Our song plays, the world continues.
Why did we not work out?
You scent fills my thoughts
As I dream of your face, your love.
I denied it for so long,
But I loved you.
I love you, I love you.
It will not stop.
You promised not to hurt me, no harm,
Yet gave me nothing else.
Were the moments fake,
The words lies?
Never again, never again.
Yet, I still cry for you.
I prayed for the pain to stop.
The hole to be filled.
You keep breaking free.
Leave me alone!
Why did you do it?
Why could you not leave me alone?
Let me grow, stay innocent and happy,
Remain a girl for a little longer, waiting for my prince.
At a glimspe, you were my prince.
Yet another lie.

11/05/04

Just Leave Me

Sometimes I regret you,
Sometimes I hate you.
You took advantage of me;
My youth, my beauty, my adoration.
I was too good for you.

Sometimes my passion remerges,
Somtimes I cry.
I want you to leave me.
Why did you have to do it?
Why couldn't you just leave me alone?

My memories burn;
With digust, with pain, with anger.
We could have been so good,
And I would have sacrificed.

I was an ugly, wretched girl,
naive and wanting to play dess up.
Now I am a woman,
Strong but scratched.
Why can't you just leave me alone?
Just leave me.

Never Mine

I want you here right now,
To see your face, look into your eyes, feel your gaze.
I want to be around you,
To talk with you, learn yur oves and hates;
Talk of God, of school, of life,
Of me.
Pull your arms around me,
Hold me, protect me, care for me.
Let me touch your face,
Learn your smile and frown.
Tell me again that I am beautiful,
Again and again.
Dance with me int eh rain,
Take my hand and let my joy fill our world.
I want to be in your mind, on your ming,
Never forget.
Make m laugh and smile,
At life, at love, at everything.
As we say good-bye
Look at me, know me, miss me.
Do not forget.
Do not lie to me, do not hurt me, do not leave.
But you were never mine,
Never mine to hold or talk to,
To smile with or look at.
You were never mine.


Aurora liked this one, and I forgot to put it up until now. Sorry it took a year.

Good-Bye

Words, words, words,
They build up within me, dammed within me.
I want to pour them out,
Show you my true self.
Maybe it will be easier to say good-bye.

If you knew what I thought and felt, you would view me differently.
You would agree that I am selfish and simple-minded and spoiled;
A drama queen, a fake.
Finally you would see the truth,
Could not deny it.

It would be easier that way.
Yes, it would be easier that way.
Turn my back, never see you again.
I could ignore the pain, the rejection; pretend it never exisited.
And I would whisper good-bye.

God is Grrrrrreat!!

I gave the messgae with Ashley in Powerhouse tonight. all I have to say is God ir Great, and awesome!! Richard came to watch. A pray has been answered. I am so glad that he, and everyone else, was there. Peace and Love, pals!!

Stress Stinks...Arid Works!!

I do not actually know if Arid works becaue I do not use it, but I do know that this week is EXTREMELY stressful. I feel like puking when I think about it (cute, huh??) Anyway, This is the last week of high school, but it feels like the first week. I still have not realized that I am a senior, and I am running out of time!! Ahh! Oh well. I guess the main thing that I am stressed about is that I am giving the message at Powerhouse tomorrow night. Ashley St. Lawrence is giving it with me, and I am totally nervous. So, today I was driving to Starbucks because Ashley, Buch, and I were meeting to finish our notes (I found out a week ago that I was giving this message, and Ashley got all of her notes stolen from her car...we were not completely prepared until 8 this evening). As I was driving, all I thought about was how nervous I was. I was freaking out, like starting to hyperventalate and everything...it was fun! No, not really. Then I thought about it, and realized why I was giving the message. It is for God, of course! I mean, the message is on serving, which I think is one of my spiritual girts (but I have not taken the test yet), and I lvoe to do it. After that, I was totally pumped, and I felt peaceful, and just praising God for having this chance to talk about Him, and why we need to serve. So, now I am totally stoked! It is going to be so cool, and I cannot wait!! WOO HOO! For all fo you watching, I hope you enojoy! Yay! I am doing His Will, and I had no idea...typical me..hehe. Much love, people!

Pressure, pressure, read all about it.
Nobody knows pressure like me,
Or so I think.
Trying to please everyone,
My parents, God, my friends.
Each group claims that it needs to be first priority.
"You never have time for me."
"You are too busy."
Think this is my choice?
What I would give to spend every second of every minute of every hour...
With who?
How do I choose?
They want me to choose, but either way, I disappoint someone.
What do I do?
I love, and I cry, and I want to be with everyone,
But I am too busy.
Too busy to be called, too busy to be thought of.
"She is too busy."
How I want to yell and scream at anything to make it all stop,
So that I could please each person that I love.
But I cannot,
Because I am busy.

Welcome to My Blog

So, I have had this blog since January, and I have only written one entry. Originally, I was just going to post a poem each month, but that did not work because I have stopped writing them for some reason. Writer's block, I guess. Oh well, maybe writing blogs will help me get back into it. This is my blog, Hope you enjoy.

The Maze

Running through a maze,
Trying to figure it out; trying to figure life out.
Responsibility and maturity equal adulthood.
This is what I strive for.
Every corner turned, every word spoken;
Each wall hit, every decision made;
They were wrong,
Completely and totally.
When will I get out?
Go one way to get lost in my path.
Blind, hurt, and forgotten
Is what I feel.
God watches from above,
And cries.
His Lost Child is being caught in snares;
Pride, lust, selfishness, laziness, anger.
He reaches for me.
I run for fear of being lied to again.
Society wants me like this; God wants me like that.
Trying to find a middle ground that does not exist.
Faces of people I know appear on the walls.
Images that discourage me and point me in the wrong direction.
Finally, I fall to my knees,
"Father, help me!"
Everything goes black, and I wake up.
I was never good at mazes.